The Truth Will Set You Free (shitty rant shit poem)

They say the truth will set you free, this cant be true because its failed for me.
Like photographs, the memories ripping me in half...
I cant escape myself, the shit sneaking up on me in stealth
Just get me through this nightmare, this just isnt fair!!
Just thinking "so what if you can see, the darkest side of me." Im locked inside, Ive lost the key!
I dont think, I just do! Does it matter if I know who??
Always acting like I was part of YOUR property! I was so blind, I couldnt see...

Just a regular blog...

So, that project took the shit out outta me! Im not kidding when i say, you people are probably the first few people to kno wthat I wasnt just molested. But see, this is the part that I dont talk about... I cant even type it without wanting to cry. When I was 10 (well I cant really remember, so I think I was ten) it went from bieng molested to being worse. It didnt happen as often, as being molested, but it did happen. Im not even sure WHY its so hard to say the "R" word... let alone type it... actually, its only when I have to apply it to myself... you know, a feeling of denial is never a great feeling. But like I said, you guys are the first to hear this all...

Human Behaivor project

Who, What, Where, When:

Tyler Steven Ryans & Mark Ryans, Sexual Abuse, Calgary & Edmonton AB, 1998- Nov. 2008

What do you regret in this situation, and why?

I regret not telling anyone what was going on for ten years. I regret not telling because if I had told someone, I could have saved myself from being abused and used for such a continued period of time.

What would have you done differently, and why? What would you have kept the same, and why?

I would have done two things differently:

1.      I would have told someone about what my Uncle was doing.

2.      I would have refused to stay with, or be alone with my Uncle.

Something I would not have changed, is going over to my Uncle’s house. I have cousins,

that I haven’t talked to in a few years because I just cut them out of my life (another regret of mine.)

Is this situation something common? (Proof needed)

Unfortunately sexual abuse IS common. One in three girls, and one in six boys will be abused

by a family member. This was confirmed by Canadian Government in 2006.

Your behavior in t his situation was in common for someone your age (at the time), and for

the situation? What was your behavior, give an explanation.

My behavior was definitely common for a kid my age going through what I went through. I felt (and still feel) guilty, depressed, particularly emotional, and, at some particular times, suicidal. My behavior also consisted with what an abused kid feels. Guilty, because you feel like whats going on is your fault. Depressed, because of the immense hurt and sadness you feel. Particularly emotional, because of the fragile state of mind you’re in. Suicidal, because of all the above reason combined together.  

Based upon the behavior, and the situation, what would you say you should do now?

Going by a professional opinion, I would say that now, I should go into counseling. Most likely be on medication too.

Based upon the situation specifically, what legal action do you think should be taken so that this particular situation does not happen again?

My Uncle should be taken to court, and charged to the full extent of the law for child abuse, child endangerment, and sexual assault.

Come up with five situation specific questions:

Why do you think you feel guilty?

I think I feel guilty because I'm constantly being told that the abuse is my fault. I guess I KNOW that I'm not guilty, that it’s not my fault, but I still feel guilty.

Why do you think that you didn’t tell anyone about what was going on?

I think I didn’t tell anyone about what my Uncle was doing because he used to threaten me, and tell me that no one would believe me, that it was my fault anyways so I’d get into trouble. Also, I mean it’s my Uncle! No kid wants to believe that someone is hurting you, let alone someone who is a family member.

When the situation escalated, and got more out of hand than it already was, why didn’t you tell then?

When the abuse got worse, and became more than just molestation and a little more of severe sexual assault , I didn’t tell then because I guess I was confused. I believe I was ten (I'm not exactly sure though) and when you’re ten you don’t know a whole lot about stuff like this…

Explain how the situation ended. (Side note: I wasn’t sure how to phrase this question, but it’ll be explained in the answer.)

When I was thirteen, my parents went away on a cruise in November, and my Uncle had to stay at my house and take care of me. On the night the my parents were due to come home, my Uncle was leaving my room (I was in my room, so I'm not sure why my parents thought to come into my room, for all they knew I wanted a drink of water) just as my parents were walking in the door, and they saw him leaving. They came into my room, and all I remember is that I was really upset that night, and I suppose my Mother saw it on my face. She asked me why my Uncle had been in my room, and when I didn’t answer, I guess that spoke louder than words could. My Dad didn’t even have any emotion, but my Mother was very upset. Although, she didn’t even confront my Uncle (but she didn’t let him see me either.)  

How do you think you’re affected now? How do you think you’ll be affected in the future?

Right now, I don’t think I'm really affected at all. Although, I do occasionally have nightmares. I think I just take each day, and live it. However, in the future, I think it’ll be harder for me to be in a happy relationship.

Final thoughts:

I guess it felt interesting, to just put it all out there, and to assess my own situation from a professionals  point of view.

Definitions (situation specific):

Sexual Assault: An illegal sexual act (other than molestation, IE: rape) inflicted upon someone who is incapable, and/ or unable to consent (IE: a child, or person with a mental illness.)

Affected: Influenced, or your idea of a things meaning or sense due to a traumatic event.

Promt Poem: Suicide Letter

No one be worried, our poem prompt was to write a suicide letter, read it, then write a poem about it.
So heres my letter.

To all my friends, and family;

Dont cry, not a  single tear. Im sorry that you'll have to live without me!
I just cant fight all this anymore... Just me myself and I. My thoughts put
into actions.
There are many reason for this, mainly Mom and Dad, but also Uncle Mark, and
everyone who just couldnt pretend to care.
I tried, pretended, lied, and hid! But after awhile, it finds you. Drags you away, and
feeds on your very soul! You cant escape, nor forget. Whats done, is done.
Hopfully, at least some of you can forgive me!
Im especially sorry to those I made happy, and those who made me happy!
Those who got to see me smile, laugh so hard I cried, and live. To Joshua John Laymon, Aurora Tamar Williams,
Susanne Rachel Ryans, Shane Riley Ryans, and my Twitter family and all those other people whom I loved!
 I couldnt even begin to tell you... but being you, and who you are, I know youll understand.
But Im still sorry, and forever guilt ridden! We'll meet again, this Im sure of!

Love forever <3 Tyler Steven Ryans

(Now I have to write a poem about this!! Gah!!)

Yet again, dont be worried! Just a prompt!!

9/13

Poetry from School

Drabbles (short poems) and Haiku

I feel sick.
I feel dirty. I feel guilty.
I feel hurt.
And above all I feel horrible for feeling like this.

Guilt, eating me up inside.
My fault, the child in me died.
I wont cry, for what Ive left behind.
An answer I wish I could find...

I wish I would die...
not kill myself, but die..
Im not suicidal, but I want to die!
This is all too much, please let me die!
Let me go, I want to die!
All hope is lost, can I die?
Then I breath, and I want to live!
I want to grow, I want to live.
I want to be happy, I want to live life!
I love life to much, so I want to live.
If I died, I couldnt live!
So its decided, I want to live!


You stupid mother fucker!
Couldnt just leave me alone?!
Was it just a game?

What is wrong with you?!
Why do I feel this damn way?!
What is wrong with me??

Sigh... This is my guilt!
My guilt, HIS guilty pleasure...
So damn disgusting!

                                                        "And she whispered, 'how can you do this to me?'"

Love Is...

untitled (3)

God I am feeling so alone!
Pain from deep within, shown,
So helpless, and frightened...
and I endure pain night after night...

My screams, of pain
Left me feeling vain...
All the hate that you bring!
Just sorrow now, my heart sings

A lonely life...
The only way to end this torture, through a knife,
No one understands!
All this pain, caused by one mans hands...

Voices saying,im such a peice of shit!
That Im not worth it!
Inside im bawling!
He never did care, after all...

All the lies he told!
My innocence he took ahold,
Every goddamn day it hurts!
All because of one pervert

I was just a kid!!
But I still cannot escape what he did...
Why wont the pain go away?!
The memories stuck, on replay.

Tried to run!
Hoping to have it all undone...
Tried to hide!
The child in me, died

Now left to deal with the pain...
Hoping it will never happen again...
Left to pick up my lifes broken pieces...
Waiting for the pain to start its decreases...

To the Threshhold by Hatebreed, and two korn songs

These three songs I wish to write a poem about...

                                                                                          Hey Daddy by Korn

To the Threshhold by Hatebreed

Daddy by Korn

(Warning you no, this song is sad, and depressing. A lot of people I know cant even listen to it, and a few more cry when they do! So just be cautious when playing it! YOUVE BEEN WARNED)