My Wordle

My Wordle (Word Pictures, go check them out!)

Wordle

<a href="http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/4185673/Untitled"

Ch3

Just.... another day. Or so I thought.
Until he told me to do something other then I was taught.
Not "sit still and Ill do what I normally do."
More of "sit down and Ill take some pictures of you"
He didnt say a thing, he didnt really need to.
I was scared, this is something new!
With a camera, you take pictures.
Seconds later, me you kick.
"Slut!" you yell.
Get me out of this hell!
"Whore" you scream.
Why cant this just be a horrible day dream?!
I cover my face, and start to cry.
I dont want to be here, Id rather die!
Leave me alone please!
"Get the fuck on your knees!"
I obey, I do as Im told,
All I remember is that his hands were cold.
More pictures... Im scared!
Why did I ever think you cared?!
"Please leave me alone!"
These pictures, I was never shown...
"Please, just go away!"
This'll all end... one day.
Im sure you still have those photographs!
Like the ones of me in the bath?!
Or the ones in the basment?!
Where is salvation, heaven sent?!
Are there pictures from the living room?!
There probably are, I can only assume.
And when youre done, and the camera goes away,
I dont even knwo what to say...
"Good boy"
Glad you had so much fucking fun with your toy!
"Now go play!"
I hope you realize that none of that, was okay...

Ch2

Hiding, amid the darkness.

Curled up in a ball, hiding behind the couch.

A hypothetical game of hide and seek… Only I didn’t want to play!

Sitting here, trying to be quieter then a mouse…

Hoping against all hope that I won this, hypothetical game of hide & seek.

I hear footsteps, & I shrink further into myself.

I close my eyes tight, and hold my breath!

The footsteps stop…

Then it’s quiet…

For one second, JUST one second…

I think maybe, JUST maybe, I’m not found.

But all hopes were dashed when I was grabbed by the back of my t-shirt,

& lifted high above the world…

I used to wish I could fly…I thought that’d be fun…

But being four & being high above the world now, was not all that “fun”

Freezing cold hands, a desperate noise made!

Yet again, being terrified!

That room, in that house….

Not a safe room.  Not a safe house.

I thought, against all hope, that I had won! Just this once…

Where is Mommy, where is Daddy, when I need them the most?!

The man beside me, murmuring in my ear…

I didn’t really pay attention…

Until I heard things like “good boy” and “so sweet”

I didn’t understand then, what I understand now.

“Honeybee” was another favorite… And “sweetheart” too!

Sick, and twisted. Disgusting and weird.

The lightlessness has fooled me too long,

but now I know the drill.

Sit still, keep quiet, and don’t interrupt him, because that’s rude.

And being rude isn’t good, and being bad means a punishment.

So I won’t be rude, I’ll be good!

Then, like a warm hug, my clothes are replaced,

 left behind were the cold hands.

And I’m left, alone in the lightlessness…

Then I try to sleep, because tomorrow begins another hypothetical game…

Of hide and seek.

Ch1

So Josh told me I should start a poetry series. So from now on, every poem with a "Ch" in the title, is apart of the story.
No poems will be tited, theyll just have a chapter number.

I was told to sleep in the living room for the night.
I got tucked in, a kiss on the cheek.
Then the lights went out...
Hours later shivering, because the windows open.
The cool nights air materializing through the blanket.
Immense darkness all around.
All is silent...
Then my small ears catch a sound, so quiet...
The stairs creaking, so quiet...
Im blinded by the lightlessness, but I know someones there.
I can feel their presence.
Im not scared, why should I be?
And then cool hands touching me, out of nowhere.
 My arms, my hands...
Im not afraid, why should I be?
Touching my face...
Hands so cold!
And then my shins.
And then im scared, terrified., because its become everything in between.
Now, I wish Id cried. I wish Id screamed!
I wish Id known then what I know now.
The first time, shouldve been the last time...
But too scared to speak up, too frightened to scream.
I closed my eyes, but it didnt make a difference, because I couldnt see anyways.
Then nothing, I guess I fell asleep...
The next morning, then day, then night... nothing
I guess I forgot...
For once, I forgot.
For once, I slept without memories of him plaguing my dreams,
my thoughts, my nightmares.
For once, I guess I had peace.

TI

The stupid fuck!
A lot of pain...
King of the castle, a cruel king.
Enough of this!
Never again...

Its  lost...
Never to be returned again!
Never to be mine!
Only for the preditor!
Cant I have a day?
Even just ONE?
No, guess not.
Cant I cry, cant I scream?!
Eventually we all die...



(I dont particualry like poems like these...)

An actual love poem... whoa!

Baby, love, sweetheart, You could call me either one.
But it wouldnt matter till my hearts song is sung.
ill love you till the sun has set, and forever here on out!
I could whisper that I love you, but I would rather stand up and shout!
Baby, I love you, and I tell you everyday!
And you ask me if you can kiss me, and I tell you "yes you may"
I love you, and you know it, I really hope you do!
Because my heart you have returned to me, so beautiful and new!
Inside now I feel alive. With you here, I know Ill survive!
I could say it a million times!
But I cant say it here because "I love you" has no rhymes!
No boundries, no secrets! No anger, no saddness!
My tears and my cries you would never diss!
So one final word, or maybe three...
I love you, do you love me?

Untitled

Bitch, how could you?!
It's bad enough, now you've gone & made it worse!
My own home, betrayal and fear.
But I couldn't escape, because I was trapped.
In a prison of pain and fear, I cry out
But the sound lands on deaf ears.
And you see my shiny raindrop like tears,
But you couldn't care less about me...
And I couldnt care less about you.
Why did you have too?!
Slut, whore!
"You'll let anyone do anything to you!"
You couldn't be more wrong...
You could've left if at that!
But you had to push it, had to go
And be like him for a day... Maybe for a night.
A night mom wasn't home, a night where yet again
My cries fell on deaf ears...
Yet again, a full circle now.
I guess nowhere is safe...
The man down the hall, used to be someone I
Admired, until he went and became a monster...
No better, and no worse then the other,
Who preys on the innocence of a young boy like me.
Sadistic fucks... Huh, guess it was meant to be!
It runs in the family...

The Truth Will Set You Free (shitty rant shit poem)

They say the truth will set you free, this cant be true because its failed for me.
Like photographs, the memories ripping me in half...
I cant escape myself, the shit sneaking up on me in stealth
Just get me through this nightmare, this just isnt fair!!
Just thinking "so what if you can see, the darkest side of me." Im locked inside, Ive lost the key!
I dont think, I just do! Does it matter if I know who??
Always acting like I was part of YOUR property! I was so blind, I couldnt see...

Just a regular blog...

So, that project took the shit out outta me! Im not kidding when i say, you people are probably the first few people to kno wthat I wasnt just molested. But see, this is the part that I dont talk about... I cant even type it without wanting to cry. When I was 10 (well I cant really remember, so I think I was ten) it went from bieng molested to being worse. It didnt happen as often, as being molested, but it did happen. Im not even sure WHY its so hard to say the "R" word... let alone type it... actually, its only when I have to apply it to myself... you know, a feeling of denial is never a great feeling. But like I said, you guys are the first to hear this all...

Human Behaivor project

Who, What, Where, When:

Tyler Steven Ryans & Mark Ryans, Sexual Abuse, Calgary & Edmonton AB, 1998- Nov. 2008

What do you regret in this situation, and why?

I regret not telling anyone what was going on for ten years. I regret not telling because if I had told someone, I could have saved myself from being abused and used for such a continued period of time.

What would have you done differently, and why? What would you have kept the same, and why?

I would have done two things differently:

1.      I would have told someone about what my Uncle was doing.

2.      I would have refused to stay with, or be alone with my Uncle.

Something I would not have changed, is going over to my Uncle’s house. I have cousins,

that I haven’t talked to in a few years because I just cut them out of my life (another regret of mine.)

Is this situation something common? (Proof needed)

Unfortunately sexual abuse IS common. One in three girls, and one in six boys will be abused

by a family member. This was confirmed by Canadian Government in 2006.

Your behavior in t his situation was in common for someone your age (at the time), and for

the situation? What was your behavior, give an explanation.

My behavior was definitely common for a kid my age going through what I went through. I felt (and still feel) guilty, depressed, particularly emotional, and, at some particular times, suicidal. My behavior also consisted with what an abused kid feels. Guilty, because you feel like whats going on is your fault. Depressed, because of the immense hurt and sadness you feel. Particularly emotional, because of the fragile state of mind you’re in. Suicidal, because of all the above reason combined together.  

Based upon the behavior, and the situation, what would you say you should do now?

Going by a professional opinion, I would say that now, I should go into counseling. Most likely be on medication too.

Based upon the situation specifically, what legal action do you think should be taken so that this particular situation does not happen again?

My Uncle should be taken to court, and charged to the full extent of the law for child abuse, child endangerment, and sexual assault.

Come up with five situation specific questions:

Why do you think you feel guilty?

I think I feel guilty because I'm constantly being told that the abuse is my fault. I guess I KNOW that I'm not guilty, that it’s not my fault, but I still feel guilty.

Why do you think that you didn’t tell anyone about what was going on?

I think I didn’t tell anyone about what my Uncle was doing because he used to threaten me, and tell me that no one would believe me, that it was my fault anyways so I’d get into trouble. Also, I mean it’s my Uncle! No kid wants to believe that someone is hurting you, let alone someone who is a family member.

When the situation escalated, and got more out of hand than it already was, why didn’t you tell then?

When the abuse got worse, and became more than just molestation and a little more of severe sexual assault , I didn’t tell then because I guess I was confused. I believe I was ten (I'm not exactly sure though) and when you’re ten you don’t know a whole lot about stuff like this…

Explain how the situation ended. (Side note: I wasn’t sure how to phrase this question, but it’ll be explained in the answer.)

When I was thirteen, my parents went away on a cruise in November, and my Uncle had to stay at my house and take care of me. On the night the my parents were due to come home, my Uncle was leaving my room (I was in my room, so I'm not sure why my parents thought to come into my room, for all they knew I wanted a drink of water) just as my parents were walking in the door, and they saw him leaving. They came into my room, and all I remember is that I was really upset that night, and I suppose my Mother saw it on my face. She asked me why my Uncle had been in my room, and when I didn’t answer, I guess that spoke louder than words could. My Dad didn’t even have any emotion, but my Mother was very upset. Although, she didn’t even confront my Uncle (but she didn’t let him see me either.)  

How do you think you’re affected now? How do you think you’ll be affected in the future?

Right now, I don’t think I'm really affected at all. Although, I do occasionally have nightmares. I think I just take each day, and live it. However, in the future, I think it’ll be harder for me to be in a happy relationship.

Final thoughts:

I guess it felt interesting, to just put it all out there, and to assess my own situation from a professionals  point of view.

Definitions (situation specific):

Sexual Assault: An illegal sexual act (other than molestation, IE: rape) inflicted upon someone who is incapable, and/ or unable to consent (IE: a child, or person with a mental illness.)

Affected: Influenced, or your idea of a things meaning or sense due to a traumatic event.

Promt Poem: Suicide Letter

No one be worried, our poem prompt was to write a suicide letter, read it, then write a poem about it.
So heres my letter.

To all my friends, and family;

Dont cry, not a  single tear. Im sorry that you'll have to live without me!
I just cant fight all this anymore... Just me myself and I. My thoughts put
into actions.
There are many reason for this, mainly Mom and Dad, but also Uncle Mark, and
everyone who just couldnt pretend to care.
I tried, pretended, lied, and hid! But after awhile, it finds you. Drags you away, and
feeds on your very soul! You cant escape, nor forget. Whats done, is done.
Hopfully, at least some of you can forgive me!
Im especially sorry to those I made happy, and those who made me happy!
Those who got to see me smile, laugh so hard I cried, and live. To Joshua John Laymon, Aurora Tamar Williams,
Susanne Rachel Ryans, Shane Riley Ryans, and my Twitter family and all those other people whom I loved!
 I couldnt even begin to tell you... but being you, and who you are, I know youll understand.
But Im still sorry, and forever guilt ridden! We'll meet again, this Im sure of!

Love forever <3 Tyler Steven Ryans

(Now I have to write a poem about this!! Gah!!)

Yet again, dont be worried! Just a prompt!!

9/13

Poetry from School

Drabbles (short poems) and Haiku

I feel sick.
I feel dirty. I feel guilty.
I feel hurt.
And above all I feel horrible for feeling like this.

Guilt, eating me up inside.
My fault, the child in me died.
I wont cry, for what Ive left behind.
An answer I wish I could find...

I wish I would die...
not kill myself, but die..
Im not suicidal, but I want to die!
This is all too much, please let me die!
Let me go, I want to die!
All hope is lost, can I die?
Then I breath, and I want to live!
I want to grow, I want to live.
I want to be happy, I want to live life!
I love life to much, so I want to live.
If I died, I couldnt live!
So its decided, I want to live!


You stupid mother fucker!
Couldnt just leave me alone?!
Was it just a game?

What is wrong with you?!
Why do I feel this damn way?!
What is wrong with me??

Sigh... This is my guilt!
My guilt, HIS guilty pleasure...
So damn disgusting!

                                                        "And she whispered, 'how can you do this to me?'"

Love Is...

untitled (3)

God I am feeling so alone!
Pain from deep within, shown,
So helpless, and frightened...
and I endure pain night after night...

My screams, of pain
Left me feeling vain...
All the hate that you bring!
Just sorrow now, my heart sings

A lonely life...
The only way to end this torture, through a knife,
No one understands!
All this pain, caused by one mans hands...

Voices saying,im such a peice of shit!
That Im not worth it!
Inside im bawling!
He never did care, after all...

All the lies he told!
My innocence he took ahold,
Every goddamn day it hurts!
All because of one pervert

I was just a kid!!
But I still cannot escape what he did...
Why wont the pain go away?!
The memories stuck, on replay.

Tried to run!
Hoping to have it all undone...
Tried to hide!
The child in me, died

Now left to deal with the pain...
Hoping it will never happen again...
Left to pick up my lifes broken pieces...
Waiting for the pain to start its decreases...

To the Threshhold by Hatebreed, and two korn songs

These three songs I wish to write a poem about...

                                                                                          Hey Daddy by Korn

To the Threshhold by Hatebreed

Daddy by Korn

(Warning you no, this song is sad, and depressing. A lot of people I know cant even listen to it, and a few more cry when they do! So just be cautious when playing it! YOUVE BEEN WARNED)

Untitled (2)

That cold feeling...
The shaking...
Nauseous..
Why!
Its feels like the first time all over again!
I feel like a child, all over again!
A terrified child...
Breathing increases...
Rationality decreases...
But no matter my screams...
No matter my tears...
They couldnt give a fuck!

Tears out of the darkness (a song)

My tears fall...
The pain, burrowing in
Why does no one answer when I call?
The pain, made by him

I want to scream!
I want to cry...
Im coming apart at the seams...
I feel as if I want to die!

This pain caused by him,
Inflicted upon an innocent child like me!
My future seems so dim...
Only fear and darkness as far as I can see...

I feel so numb...
Either pain or numb...
Why was I so dumb?!
Where did this monster come from?

He liked to touch!
Not rape, but touch!
The pain is too much!
The pain... is too much

Im alive,
But I feel dead inside...
failure to thrive...
In song, I will confide

Ten YEARS!
I break down... and cry...
I cannot escape from all these fears!
Most of my life spent drowning in lies!

A/N: The song would go back between a female, and a male voice. The female voice would sound like Amy Lee, and the male voice like JD in Daddy.  Im hoping that my band TalkTall will create this song... Also we're considering a band name change... Ill let you know what it is! BTW the bold is the male voice!

Untitled (1)

I scream!
Not a liar...
It hurt!
As a child...
Its alright,
He used to say...
I scream...
No one hears me...
Oblivious to my pain,
to my fear...
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
IT HURT, as a child... and still now
But you dont care!
I never told...
Shh its a secret!
Please dont tell...
Your fault...
My fault...
whose fault?
STOP!
Looking back...
DUMB!
How did I not realize?
How did I not know?
How did I not know your lies?
My childhood is gone!
Because i loved you...
Thought you loved me too...
Guess I was wrong...
CHILD FUCKER!
MOTHER FUCK THAT NEEDS TO
BURN IN HELL FOR THIS SHIT!
This fucking think that i feel, because of you
You took advantage of me...
An innocent child...
FOR WHAT?!
Your own sick twisted delusions!
You made my childhood a faiilure...
I hate you!!

The Monster Up the Stairs (unfinished)

Just a kid...
Afraid of the monster up the stairs!
The one that preys on the helpless...
The on that kills the innocent...
Clueless to the real world...
Clueless to the pain...
Screams of silence hang on me!
Cries of the innocent inside me...
Not my fault,
NEVER... my fault...
DONT blame me!

I win!

Standing on edge,
I WANT THIS TO END!
I cant even be seen around you,
because you'll grab be and the pain
with start all over again!!
I have to remeber, its not my fault!
But it never helps...
Youre such a child fucker!
All you do is dream about kids
all fucking day!
You sick fuck!!
I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit!
I win, and you lose!
Ive moved on, and youre what?
Sitting in your car, or your room...
Remebering all the "times we had with eachother"
All the time you fucked me up,
and screwed me over!
All the times I lost!
All the times I thought Id always lose,
to an unwinable game!
But guess what,
I WON and Im not scared of your sick ass!
BRING IT BITCH!
Cuz In the end, I always win.

Im me

Im me,
And youre you.
Polar opposites.
I want an answer,
for a cure to the pain!
When I scream,
when I hurl in disgust!
Im dirty!
Such a whore!
Such a slut!
Im me,
and youre you.
Only problem is...
Youre a child fucker
and Im the child you terrorized!
NO CHOICE!
FORCED!
NOT MY FAULT!
God wont save you!
Im me,
and youre you,
but fuck this, I win!

Lost Innocence

Never rape, only touch!
Arent I lucky?
Some would say...
But when I scorn,
and you frown...
I feel at fault...
I feel guilty...
ALL MY FAULT!
I feel sick!
Tears... well up in my eyes
But never leave...
PAIN! Inside..
Just want to die...
To make the pain go away!
ALL MY FAULT!
No, you've lied!
NOT MY FAULT!
Lost... Innocence...
mine...
Virginity, taken...
ALL MY FAULT!
WANT TO DIE!
NOT MY FAULT!
Make it stop...
Lost Innocence...

Touchy feely

Slid your hands down my pants!
Touch... feel...
I HAD NO CHOICE!
I FUCKING HATE YOU!
I hope you die!
Touch... feel...
I wish I'd have said it out loud...
Then you might have, just might have,
stopped while I still had a childhood...
But I never cried, and never will cry...
Nor will I scream...
I HAD NO CHOICE!
I FUCKING HATE YOU!
I hope you die!
Touch... feel...
You dont care!
You just want to get off!
use me for your sick, and twisted
mind!
Touch... feel...
Never again...
Never...
Again it happens!
And I want to cry, and I want
to scream!
But I dont...
But I wish I did...
I hate you...
And I hope you die...
It wasnt my fault..
Never blame me... Dad